The mixed bag....

The mixed Bag..

Middle age..they say  is a mixed bag.. I  didn't. Get it then.. I  so get it now...

My first brush with middle age was rather early..it first knocked at my door in the form of rather early onset of Type 2 Diabetes...A typical lifestyle associated middle age disorder.. Infact it would be more appropriate to term it as a package of disorders..My initial response to it was of despair... Maybe a bit depressed.. Was worried for my daughters  future.. Ques like " will I be around long enuf to bring her up?" cropped up..but then slowly I accepted my condition and decided what the hell I " ll take it head on.. By the horns.. And here I am handling my health issues in a v careful and Realistic way..at least I am giving an honest and good fight against it.. rest is beyond my control.

Second was when I started feeling gradually  a kind of vaccum inside me.. That feeling of turning and looking back at life in general..mid forties... Kya khoya aur kya paya...as a wife, as a mother.. As a daughter.. As a professional..mixed answers . But most importantly kya paaya as an individual as a woman? ...Answers are still coming.. Some are satisfying and some not so.. 

But there is one portion of my life which is immensely gratifying ....That is bieng a mother.. it's such a enriching experience.. Each and every moment I seem to be learning ..

As a wife it's been lots of ups.. But kuch dissapointments bhi mahsoos hote hain.. My take on this is " if I am so imperfect.. How can I expect other person to perfectly fit into all my expectations". Yes I do have those "oh I feel so lonely.. " I feel so lost" moments.. But then I have also learnt with middle age to be less expectant and emotional and be more realistic and more pragmatic.. Well not fully.. But to some extent.. At least I am trying..

Middle age is a time career wise I am comfortable but still not up there.. I am still growing.. Infact exponential growth is expected to happen In this phase only.. So there is lot of demand from career end... It's the time I have been waiting for. To give my best and aspire my best .. 

But it's also the time when our kids are not so all grown up.. They still need lot of our time and attn... 

It's a time.. When I am more sure of myself.. Maybe I know myself better now.. I better understand my needs and priorities in life.. I am probably more comfortable under my skin now.. I am more confident enuf now to take decisions for my own satisfaction too at times rather than always doing things to please others..I have learnt to be lil selfish at times.. I crave for " me times" and scrape it in my schedules somehow.. I value  all these changes in me.. I maybe value relationships.. Better now.. Be it friends.. Husband or relatives..every relationship around me seems to be evolving into something more strong, deep and pukhta...

. Lastly and most importantly it's  also that time of life.. When the hands which first held my finger when I took my first step..begin to tremble.. The Nazarien which always kept me under their protective and watchful eyes . Begin to fade and blurr .it is very tough to watch and accept this transformation...now these hands instead need some handholding..They need  me not just for tender care and logistic reasons but also to be there emotionally..It's tough to see the transformation of strong shielding figures of my life to gradually turn from dependable into lot more depending parts of my life.. Sometimes these figures start moving away.. Maybe God starts giving us hints of what is in store..of maybe making me ready  to learn to let go.. That I feel is the toughest part of this phase called Middle age,. 

I know it's inevitable..but letting go is so tough...I want to cling on and keep giving my best till the last moment..,

But All said and done as they say Middle age is a mixed bag.. I didn't get it then.. I so get it now..